


I Hope To Annoy You For The Rest Of My Life; And I See You're Quite Ready To Return The Favour

by DontOffendTheBees



Category: Wooden Overcoats (Podcast)
Genre: Bickering, Competition, Competitive idiots, Don't copy to another site, Eric and Rudyard bring out the worst/best in each other, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Screenplay/Script Format, Tumblr Prompt, georgie is great at everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 07:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21070988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontOffendTheBees/pseuds/DontOffendTheBees
Summary: "Oh, Ishall-finally,Rudyard Funnshall be crowned victor!""Maybe this isn’t the right attitude for a proposal."In which Rudyard makes Eric an offer he can't refuse- unless, of course, Eric offers it first.





	I Hope To Annoy You For The Rest Of My Life; And I See You're Quite Ready To Return The Favour

**Author's Note:**

> WE'RE GETTING SEASON FOUUUUUUUUURRRRRR!!!!!!!
> 
> Anyway, aaaages ago I got an anonymous tumblr prompt for a fic about Rudyard and Eric getting married/engaged, and I got this idea pretty much straight away and scripted it all out, but never really fleshed it out. I just went back to it, inspired by the good news, and decided I actually rather liked the script-y format- and also was too lazy and hand-painy to fill it out into full-fledged prose- so I went over it, neatened it all up and got it ready to post. It's not a proper script, obviously, if I sent this in to a script editor they'd probably put their face in their hands and weep, but it's that sort of feel and definitely felt like it worked for the quick dialogue exchanges so hopefully it's a fun and easy read! 
> 
> So, thank you anon for the prompt, thank you amazing cast and crew of Wooden Overcoats, and thank you whoever reads this- *especially* those who leave a comment, hintedy hint hint!
> 
> Enjoy yourselves!

**Scene 1, Int. Rudyard Funn’s Bathroom**

_ RUDYARD FUNN is psyching himself up in front of a mirror, faffing about with his hair. No matter his attempts to make it presentable, his tricky cowlick continues to best him. He gives up and adjusts his jumper instead- the only nice one he owns, neither threadbare nor moth-eaten. A present from Eric, of course, he always gives the best presents. But not today! Today Rudyard is going to win once and for all. _

_ He pats down his pocket, pulls out the box, double checks that the ring is still inside. It is _ vital _ that, just this once, everything goes according to plan. Hence why the plan is so simple, elegant, few opportunities for unfortunate mishaps. He knows his luck and he is not taking any chances. _

Rudyard: (MUTTERING) Eric Chapman, prepare to be _ thoroughly _wooed.

_ GEORGIE CRUSOE, perched on the edge of the bathtub behind him, gives him a look of withering disapproval. _

Georgie:...Did you ‘ave to say that quite so ominously?

Rudyard: This is very serious business, Georgie.

Georgie: (SKEPTICALLY) Riiight. 

_ Rudyard fiddles with his collar, pats his pockets, and otherwise needlessly fidgets. _

Rudyard: Georgie?

Georgie: Yup?

Rudyard: ...Do you think he’ll say yes?

_ Georgie rolls her eyes and lovingly thumps him. _

Georgie: Course he will. And if he doesn’t )SHRUGS( I’m _ great _at hiding bodies.

_ Rudyard laughs nervously, fidgets again, and then determinedly straightens out his long, kinked back with a wince and a crack. _

Rudyard: Right… wish me luck!

Georgie: Nah, you don’t need- )PAUSE TO THINK( Actually yeah, yeah yeh do. Good luck, Rudyard.

_ He nods and starts to leave, but Georgie calls out to him. _

Georgie: Oi.

_ He turns to her in bemusement, and she meets him with an unexpected tackle hug. _

Rudyard: Oof. Um. Yes, well. )AWKWARD PATS( Thank you, Georgie. 

_ Georgie mumbles something unintelligible into his jumper before breaking away and brushing him off tersely. _

Georgie: Go on then, boss- give ‘im hell..

Rudyard: Oh, I _ shall- _ finally, _ Rudyard Funn _shall be crowned victor!

Georgie: Maybe this isn’t the right attitude for a proposal.

Rudyard: It’s the right attitude for _ everything, _Georgie- shoot for the moon!

Georgie: Whatever you say…

_ Rudyard tunes out her comments as he bounds for the stairs, patting his pocket one last time and chuckling under his breath. Oh, yes. This is _ his _ time- Chapman won't even know what hit him! _

Rudyard: Antigone, Madeleine- don't wait up!

_ In the distance, ANTIGONE FUNN yells something indistinctly. Closer at hand, MADELEINE squeaks cheerfully in encouragement. Rudyard waves towards her mousehole before swanning triumphantly out the door, for once extending his umbrella in time to stop the sudden but expected onslaught of rain. A sign, he hopes, of a splendidly fortunate evening still to come. _

_ Time for Rudyard to boldly go where not even Eric _ bloody _ Chapman has gone before! _

**Scene 2, ext. a moonlit field**

Rudyard: You must be _ joking! _

_ ERIC CHAPMAN, from his position down on one knee on the picnic mat with a diamond ring outstretched before him, looks up in confusion. _

Eric: Um… no?

Rudyard: Unbe-_ sodding- _ lievable. God, how did you- did Antigone put you up to this, hm? Go on, go on, who spilled the beans? Helped you choose your moment to strike, eh? Helped you pick the moment of greatest cosmic comic timing- god, this is bloody _ typical! _

_ Eric, starting to look worried and stricken, waves his hands. _

Eric: Rudyard, I- God, I thought we were past this, this is _ not _a joke, I’m very seriously down on one knee asking will you-

Rudyard: _ Don’t say it! _

_ Eric shuts his mouth, confused. _

Rudyard: Don’t you- if you haven’t said it, it’s not official, and I am _ not _ giving up that easily, Chapman! This is _ my _bloody moment, and I’ll not have you swooping in with your big sincere eyes and sparkly diamonds and stealing it for yourself so, keep quiet and- blast- hold on- a ha! 

_ Rudyard triumphantly fishes his ring from his pocket and sinks down on one knee across from Eric, wincing as his back clicks in complaint, and proudly presents it. It looks very small and dull in comparison to Eric’s offering, but he wouldn’t have got very far in life if he let that put him off. _

Rudyard: Right, now, if you’ll just stand up, I’ve got a whole speech prepared and everything so let’s crack on-

_ Eric is beaming like the sun, but not standing up. _

Eric: Now, hang on, I had a pretty decent one prepared myself!

Rudyard: Yes, well, you can give it to me later.

Eric: Why do _ you _get the main event?

Rudyard: Because I bagsied it.

Eric: When?

Rudyard: On the way to meet you.

Eric: That doesn’t count!

Rudyard: Agree to disagree. Now, moving swiftly on: Chapman, from the moment I met you I utterly despi-

_ Eric, holding out his own ring in mischievous determination, starts reciting his own speech over Rudyard’s. _

Eric: Rudyard Funn, you’re truly one of a kind, I never thought in all my life I’d meet someone so totally-

Rudyard: -smug, exhausting, and attention seeking. But, over the last five years, it must be said that you’ve grown on me like a-

Eric: -lily; beautiful to behold, but pale as a ghost, often seen at funerals, and liable to cause allergic reactions. But as I got to kn-

Rudyard: -tolerate you, I realised that, like the beautiful oak coffin I once compared your annoyingly perfect skin to, you were filled with interesting old jewellery and carefully hidden rotting things. It gives me great-

Eric: -joy to get to know you better every day, and I want to make sure we have as many days as possible. So, Rudyard-

Rudyard: _ -Eric- _

Both: _ Will you marry me? _

Rudyard: Ha! Said it first!

Eric: What? No you didn’t!

Rudyard: Oh, I think I did.

Eric: We said it at _ exactly _the same time.

Rudyard: Agree to disagree.

Eric: That can’t be your answer to everything.

Rudyard: Agree to disagree.

Eric: Well… well I’m lower to the ground than you are!

Rudyard: Oh, that _ definitely _ doesn’t count- it doesn’t count if you’re just _ shorter, _Chapman! I can be shorter, look! 

_ Rudyard adopts his old familiar hunch, stooping down just below Eric’s height while still propped on one knee. _

Rudyard: See?

_ Eric has a glint in his eye. He knows he should just give in and concede defeat but Rudyard always brings out his competitive side. He quirks an eyebrow. _

Eric: Well, two can play at that game.

_ He hunches, ducking below Rudyard. _

Rudyard: Oh, no you _ don’t- _

_ Rudyard drops to both knees and lowers himself further. Eric mirrors. They lower themselves in turns by increments, until they’re having to support themselves with hands on the ground, then elbows, then finally laying flat on their fronts as they taunt one another. _

Rudyard: Victory is mine, Chapman!

Eric: Give it up, Rudyard- I never lose!

Rudyard: Well there’s a first time for everything!

Eric: Rudyard, Rudyard- stop!

_ They both catch their breath, staring each other down across about a foot of their picnic mat, chins to the ground and rings held out before them like jousting lances. Eric shakes his head. _

Eric: Alright, alright, this is getting _ ridiculous. _One of us has to be the bigger man and step down, here-

Rudyard: Oh, well, if you’re _ offering- _

Eric: -I mean, it’s not like either of us can get any _ lower! _Not unless the ground makes way.

_ He laughs at his own joke. Rudyard stares. Eric stares back. _

_ Rudyard’s eyes narrow. _

**Scene 3, ext. two large holes in the moonlit field**

_ The end of a shovel flicks out of a hole in the ground, depositing more dirt in the sprawling heap by the head of the shallow grave. Rudyard’s voice rings out from it. _

Rudyard (O.S): Give it up, Chapman!

_ Eric pauses in digging to peer over the edge of his pit, brows stubbornly drawn. _

Eric: I _ never _give up!

_ Rudyard also peers. _

Rudyard: Well, neither do I! Ha- and my pit’s deeper! )HE POINTS TRIUMPHANTLY( Look! We’re the same height!

Eric: Well, how do I know you’re not hunching again?

Rudyard: Want to climb up out of that pit and see for yourself? 

Eric: Nice try.

Rudyard: )MUTTERING( _ Damn. _

Eric: Look, Rudyard, this is getting out of hand.

Rudyard: ...Yes, yes, maybe you’re right.

Georgie (O.S): I thought it was just gettin’ good.

_ Eric and Rudyard both whip round and stare like deer in the headlights, and find Georgie standing over their pits, sipping from a thermos flask. _

Rudyard: Georgie, what the devil are you doing here?

Georgie: Came to see how you got on.

Rudyard: What? When was that?

Georgie: ‘Bout an hour ago.

Eric: And you’ve just been standing there?

Georgie: Nah. )GESTURES WITH THERMOS( Went to make a brew.

Rudyard: Well, now that you’re here- kindly explain to Chapman why he should concede defeat.

Eric: Or explain to _ Rudyard _why he should get over himself and let me-

Georgie: No.

Rudyard: To whom? 

Eric: Who to?

Georgie: Lads, you’ve been asking each other the same question for- )GLANCES AT THE SKY AS IF READING THE STARS( six hours. I think you both know the answer.

_ Rudyard and Eric both fall silent, stunned. Georgie shrugs and sips her tea nonchalantly. _

_ Finally, the two men look at each other sheepishly over the edges of their respective pits. _

Rudyard: I… suppose it is rather obvious, when you put it like that.

Eric: Suppose it doesn’t really _ matter _who got there first, does it? In the grand scheme of things.

Rudyard: Possibly… not.

Eric: That is, as long as we’re on the same page.

Rudyard: Yes. Quite.

Eric: That page being that, well, I would be very happy to-

Rudyard: Marry you. Possibly.

Eric: Probably.

Rudyard: Definitely.

Both: Yes.

_ They stare at each other across the stretch of ground and rumpled picnic mat. Rudyard hides his smile behind his dirt wall, and Eric rolls his eyes. _

Eric: Oh, for- come here, you idiot.

Rudyard: Why don’t _ you _ come _ here, _you-

Georgie: _ Lads. _

Rudyard: Right, right, yes.

_ They both scramble out of their pits, dusting themselves off self-consciously. Eric looks Rudyard up and down with fondness. _

Eric: You got dirt on your jumper.

_ Rudyard blushes. _

Rudyard: Oh. Yes, it would seem so. Sorry.

Eric: That’s alright. I was going to get you another one for Christmas, anyway.

Rudyard: Oh.

Eric: Yeah.

_ They both stand awkwardly, fidgeting with the open ring boxes in their hands. Georgie rolls her eyes. _

Georgie: Chuffin’ Christ. Right, I’m off. Don’t stay out all night, boss. Or do, I’m not your mum.

Rudyard: Yes, thank you, goodbye Georgie.

Eric: Night, Georgie!

Georgie: G’night, idiots.

_ She tramps away, and Rudyard and Eric resume their staring match. Overwhelmed by the love and sincerity in Eric’s eyes Rudyard fidgets, clears his throat and thrusts out his ring box towards him forcefully. Eric, biting his lip fondly, steps forward and offers his own. _

Eric: C’mon. I’ll swap you.

_ Rudyard nods, and with some fumbling presses his ring into Eric’s hand and takes his own. He stares at it, somewhat flabberghasted- it looks beautiful, and expensive, but not overly ostentatious. It’s perfect. It looks altogether too perfect to be on his hand. _

Eric: Rudyard?

_ Rudyard looks up. Eric is smiling softly at him, cupping his own hand to his chest- Rudyard’s ring is already on his finger, looking rather imperfect against his skin. Eric, seeing something in his eyes, gives him a look of understanding and takes a step closer. _

Eric: Here. Let me.

_ He takes the box back, removes the ring, and cups Rudyard’s left hand as he slides it onto his finger. It fits perfectly- and, as anticipated, looks far too beautiful against his sallow skin. But Eric looks at it with awestruck eyes, a giddy smile breaking across his face. He looks back up at Rudyard, delighted. Rudyard watches him back, blushing, feeling like his confusion must be written all over his face. Eric’s eyes crinkle at the corners. _

Eric: Rudyard…?

_ Rudyard swallows and tilts his head quizzically. Eric pauses, considers, and then throws himself forward; hugging Rudyard tightly round the waist and burying his handsome face in his best jumper. _

Eric: I love you…

_ Rudyard puts his hands gingerly on Eric’s back, looking at the ring again. The longer he stares at it, the more normal it starts to look. He thinks he just might get used to it. He sniffles, hoping to pass it off as haughtiness, and tucks his face into Eric’s soft golden hair. _

Rudyard: Yes, well, I… I love you, too…

**Scene 4, ext. a moonlit fence around the moonlit field**

_ Seeing the mens' two silhouettes merge into one, Georgie snorts and hits the button on her stopwatch, slouching across the last few metres of grass to lazily vault the old wooden fence. _

_ On the other side, half the residents of Piffling await her with expectant faces. _

Rt. Hon. Mayor Desmond Desmond: Well?!

Georgie: Six hours, forty two minutes.

_ A mixed chorus of groans and whoops goes up, hands emerging from pockets and bags to deposit wads of cash into other hands with defeated mutterings. AGATHA DOYLE, embittered, shoves a pumpkin-sized bag of assorted sweets into the arms of a delighted REV. NIGEL WAVERING, who bounces excitedly and babbles to the MAYOR about wedding arrangements. Georgie rolls her eyes, and starts briskly ushering the onlookers away. _

Georgie: Alright, alright, that’s enough, get a move on- give the lovebirds some room, eh? C’mon, ain’t you got homes to go to?

_ As the crowd disperses with varying degrees of enthusiasm, Georgie casts one last look over her shoulder, at the distant shape on the grass in the moonlight. She smiles and sips her tea. _

_ About time Rudyard got a win. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you had fun! Hopefully, I'll get back to the Spider Rudyard fic soon! I was going to be tied up in writing my DGHDA Spaced AU for quite some time but tbh the reception has been lukewarm at best and it's sort of killed my motivation for that particular project for the time being, so it may be time to take a break from that universe and properly revisit Piffling Vale!
> 
> Comments and reblogs etc. are greatly appreciated- hopefully see you next time, don't forget to check out the Wooden Overcoats twitter for season 4 updates!


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